LOOP

-What are you thinking about our marriage?

-What to think? I said yes, that’s all. We’ll do it. Don’t ask me the same again and again.

-Actually there was nothing to talk, so…

-Don’t irritate me ya

-Shit, you are annoyed. I was supposed to make the conversation more romantic.

-Romantic? Huh!

-You laughed?

-You know why. You are also laughing.

-Hmm…

-Say something.

-What to say?

-Some words.

-What are you thinking about our marriage?

-Uff, why are you playing the same record?

-No, time is passing. Exactly when… I wanted to ask.

-I know. But we cannot start running at once and go and get married. At least some arrangements we’ll have to make. What do you say? We’ll think it within a month, okay?

-Who’ll fix the date, you or me?

-You and me. We both.

-Shall we stay together after our marriage?

-Wow, what an intelligent question. Idiot!

-Actually I was concern about some other things. After staying together for a couple of days what if you find me a boring stuff?

-What if I ask the same to you?

-I’ll have to think.

-I think it is quite obvious. I mean people mostly get bored.

-Hold on a minute.

-Well… see, it is exactly one minute over. I did hold on a minute. Look at my watch.

-What are you thinking about our marriage?

-Oh god! This is too much. I said yes, that’s all. We’ll do it. Don’t ask me the same again and again.

-Actually there was nothing to talk, so…

-Don’t irritate me ya

-Shit, you are annoyed. I was supposed to make the conversation more romantic… okay, don’t make a face. Listen. If in any case you are bored of me, the day you feel tired with me, simply go away.

-Where?

-Wherever you want.

-Really? You don’t need to mention that anyways. Huh

-What’s there to laugh about?

-Nothing.

-Wait; there are some matters we need to fix at once.

-Like?

-Hmm…

-What are you thinking?

-Suppose the matter of sex.

-Sex? Interesting.

-If you sleep with some other guy even after our marriage, ideologically I won’t have any problem. You are free, it is up to you.

-Is it?

-Yap. But there is a concern. I mean some problems may occur… and you know those are really really big.

-What? What sort of?

-Nothing.

-Say. Just say it. You started, complete it now.

-How to put it, okay, with whom you are sleeping why are you sleeping I have no concern in that. I won’t have for sure. But it could be equally possible that the same will cause harm to me in different ways… you know what I mean?

-Explain a bit.

-Suppose, I somehow start feeling myself incapable of satisfying you. In my sub-conscious mind, I might feel that you are not happy with me. And for that reason you are with some other one… whoever he is…

-Oh come on please.

-You cannot ignore it just like that. Sometimes it happens. It might happen. It might happen to any individual. Quite obvious. Particularly, suppose you started taking ganja (marijuana) in some ordinary place with a bit of care and bad thoughts started rolling inside your mind. You know what intoxication of ganja does? It insists you to think the same thing again and again. Even if you don’t want to think any more, still you will continue the same thought… hmm how to explain it. Suppose you thought something. Think na…

-Well, I thought.

-Now if you decide not to think it over again, you are helpless. You don’t have any control over it.

-But how long? How long would you keep thinking?

-Infinite.

-Is it?

-It is not that you are not thinking other things. You might think a lot of other things. Quite obvious. Your five senses are equally alert. You can think anything. You can feel anything. Your decision, perception all are okay. Everything is absolutely normal. Nothing is abnormal. But some particular thought would re-appear again and again. You’ll think, I won’t think, but you’ll keep thinking the same. Again and again the same. It has no limit. No end.

-Wow, it seems to be great.

-Exactly. Actually what ganja does, it creates a loop of some particular thought of yours. That means once you thought something, then you’d start the same thinking again. Then again. Then again. Then again. If you are enjoying being inside the thought then it is okay. Fine. But, if you are trying to avoid the thought but not being able to do so, then you are in hell. Nothing can help you.

-Wait, from exactly what point this ganja issue started? I forgot.

-Well I was talking about some problem. If I cheaply mention, sexual frustration! If I somehow start thinking that I am not able to satisfy you enough, or if I put other way around, there is somebody else who is more a “man” than I am, and… if I keep thinking the same, keep thinking, keep thinking, keep thinking, keep thinking…

-Okay okay done, stop it now.

-Well, definitely it will cause harm to me.

-Such a mean. Go to hell your male ego.

-You didn’t like it? I know it is bad, but its true.

-But why this particular thought to loop? There are many other things to think in a loop.

-Well

-Say… global warming, communal riot, child labor…

-But I would have hardly any control over it. After it is a game of human mind.

-No. say “man mind”.

-Huh

-Leave it, change the matter please

-Now say

-What

-What are you thinking about our marriage?

-Are you crazy? I said yes, that’s all. We’ll do it. Don’t ask me the same again and again.

-Actually there was nothing to talk, so…

-Don’t irritate me ya

-Shit, you are annoyed. I was supposed to make the conversation more romantic…

-Do you have ganja?

-No

-Lets experiment something. I’ll spend tonight with somebody else. And you’ll have ganja this evening.

-Not a bad idea.

-Where to get ganja?

-I’ll manage it. I’ll go to Nizamuddin. But tomorrow is my turn. I mean your turn.

-What is your turn my turn?

-I’ll spend tomorrow night with somebody else, and you’ll have ganja tomorrow evening.

-Cool.

-Then tell me, what are you thinking about our marriage?

-We’ll get married the day after tomorrow.

-Okay. Done.

(NB: we got married a month later. She got married to the guy she slept with that night. I married the girl I slept the very next evening of that day.)

Samudra Kajal Saikia

(Originally written in Assamese in the same title. Published in SADIN)